Friday, October 25, 2013

Journaling in pregnancy, "Now I hold back the tears"

Now I hold back the tears for all that I've had to let go of just for the possibility of what could be. So much change, big change, and still yet I'm directed on another venture! Is there no place that I can just stay forever?  I want to be tucked away again in my womb of conception, nestled in on the bright blue toilet in the 3/4 bathroom of the master bedroom. The king size bed lied directly in front of me, still and quiet then, like a young boy in a pew who can't wait to unravel, all dressed ready to go again in blue and maroon executive plaid topped with a blue, tautly fit winter blanket. 

I thought I had my life all wrapped up, like the instruction pamphlet included in the home pregnancy kit, like an accordion, just pull on one end and the pages simply unfolded. I was riding high on a cul-de-sac of 4 in my merry-go-round of suburbia heaven!

I'm glued to the strip of 3 colors on the 1" round, 2" long glass test tube with a red rubber stopper that contains my urine in some kind of solution. One of the colors is clear and negative, and the other two are different shades of maroon and are positive. Is it a negative or a positive? I pleaded with myself, "oh please, please let it be dark maroon!" I needed to have a baby, like the sun needs to shine, and the ocean desires the pull of the moon, and geese that fly south need to form a V formation.

The house is gone as its the sprawling yard, and the silk, white drapes that so perfectly framed our front picture window. Yet, I have all the security I need now, that I had then, for it was in the fierceness of my gaze, that I can come to live in the stillness that I found through childbirth, that rests somewhere in me always, like a white pearl sandbar on an often fickle, turbulent sea.

Begin to journal NOW, and put it on your list to bring in your overnight bag! What will you say, how will you say it?  

Try this, write continuously for 5 minutes without your pen leaving the paper.  When your done, put the pen down and read what you have written.  Look for images or pictures that you can find in your writing. Please no editing!  Take one of the images and draw it.  Pay attention to subtlety, colors, and be ready to hold an AHA MOMENT!  They are the moments that are like high scores, the keep you coming back for more.

Together, forever, in our hearts,


Thursday, October 3, 2013

Thinking about having a baby? Prepare with Bikram Yoga

There was no blood or tears, but plenty of sweat to help me remember how difficult the process was. I pick up my heavy, wet, brown terry cloth towel off of my yoga mat that feels like I've just taken it out of the washer after it has been spun dry. That's how much sweat drips off of me in the 90 minutes. In my first class, I was forced to my knees several times with nausea and light headedness. It's the closest experience I've had of pushing my baby out of my body 25 years ago.

Through the years, I've struggled with how to prepare women for the second stage of labor. I'm sure it helps your body to remember the ancient process that coils in your DNA, panting lively with every baited breathe for a chance to unravel, when in prenatal yoga we practice creating a deep, bellowing sound while resuming a wide-thigh, open stance. And I'm sure the list of do's and don'ts that I once created on how you may feel and what you can do to help yourself provided a familiar frame to manage the unknown. But it's clearly not enough. It doesn't help either that many of us (including myself) skim over this part of the experience, like we do with cesarean sections. It's the part of the story that either is not going to happen to us or that we don't need, believing that if we've gotten that far, surely we can make it to the finish line.

It's too late once you’re pregnant, to do Bikram yoga. The combination of heat and exertion is in my opinion way too demanding at a time in a woman's life that calls for a gentler, slower more moderate form of physical movement. However, if you are not yet pregnant and are thinking about it, consider trying Bikram yoga as a practice to help you prepare for the demands of the second stage of labor.

It's no surprise to me that I find myself continually drawn back to Bikram. I certainly do not envision myself becoming a staunch supporter, for there are threads of the practice that I do not condom (for another blog!). However, there is nothing like a process that demands your entire focus to leave you feeling deeply satisfied, and hungry for more.