Journaling in pregnancy, "Now I hold back the tears"

Now I hold back the tears for all that I've had to let go of just for the possibility of what could be. So much change, big change, and still yet I'm directed on another venture! Is there no place that I can just stay forever?  I want to be tucked away again in my womb of conception, nestled in on the bright blue toilet in the 3/4 bathroom of the master bedroom. The king size bed lied directly in front of me, still and quiet then, like a young boy in a pew who can't wait to unravel, all dressed ready to go again in blue and maroon executive plaid topped with a blue, tautly fit winter blanket. 

I thought I had my life all wrapped up, like the instruction pamphlet included in the home pregnancy kit, like an accordion, just pull on one end and the pages simply unfolded. I was riding high on a cul-de-sac of 4 in my merry-go-round of suburbia heaven!

I'm glued to the strip of 3 colors on the 1" round, 2" long glass test tube with a red rubber stopper that contains my urine in some kind of solution. One of the colors is clear and negative, and the other two are different shades of maroon and are positive. Is it a negative or a positive? I pleaded with myself, "oh please, please let it be dark maroon!" I needed to have a baby, like the sun needs to shine, and the ocean desires the pull of the moon, and geese that fly south need to form a V formation.

The house is gone as its the sprawling yard, and the silk, white drapes that so perfectly framed our front picture window. Yet, I have all the security I need now, that I had then, for it was in the fierceness of my gaze, that I can come to live in the stillness that I found through childbirth, that rests somewhere in me always, like a white pearl sandbar on an often fickle, turbulent sea.

Begin to journal NOW, and put it on your list to bring in your overnight bag! What will you say, how will you say it?  

Try this, write continuously for 5 minutes without your pen leaving the paper.  When your done, put the pen down and read what you have written.  Look for images or pictures that you can find in your writing. Please no editing!  Take one of the images and draw it.  Pay attention to subtlety, colors, and be ready to hold an AHA MOMENT!  They are the moments that are like high scores, the keep you coming back for more.

Together, forever, in our hearts,

Maurene